Sha la la la la la yeah...

It's been quite a while since my last entry! My friend's mum (but she's pretty much my mate too!) said I should get off my arse and keep this up. I didn't admit it to her at the time, but I had neglected this blog intentionally...I thought I was getting very boring and monotnous. And nobody reads it except her! But then again, I need to talk sometimes and this provides a spot to do that right!?
What's news...hmm, honestly not a whole lot. My friendships are looking up I'd like to think in a way. My best boy mate and I had drifted, yet we have that kind of friendship where it's going to stand the test of time, despite the tiffs here and there. I think spending more time with him lately has made me realise we have reached that new level...hard to explain, but I know he notices it too.
School is hitting that crunch time...just over a month until exams now. I'm honestly not nervous, surprisingly. I'm keen to get it over and done with. I think I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to quite achieve what I once thought I would, and that relieves the stress a lot! I mean, if I don't get the ENTER score I want, then there's ways around that, it's not the end of the world. No matter what, I do intend on going to Uni. Though Mum thinks me taking next year off isn't a good idea, I know in myself I need that year to just figure out exactly what I'm doing. I don't feel ready mentally to jump into tertiary education just yet! I want to chill for a bit, sort my head out! Hmm...I'll talk more soon, family affairs call, got to go!

I Don't Believe You When You Say Everything Will Be Wonderful Someday...

It could be the insomnia and fact I haven't slept a wink for about 30 hours...but I'm feeling very, very low. I actually went to school for a bit today. It wasn't bad, but hard to go. I don't belong there that's for sure. I'm totally detached from the whole routine of school and everything that goes with it. Still got some mates, so I'm lucky I guess...I shouldn't complain. Just the tension between myself and other girls who, basic terms, wish I was dead! Well, if looks could kill, I'd be dead. They hate me! Rightly so, just sucks feeling so unwanted in a place that I should feel comfortable in by now. Think I've been away from school too long, people notice me when I'm there and wonder what's going on...not being self-centred, but I have no doubt things are going to be said.
Haha, it would actually be amusing to know what everyone's theories are as to my repeated, prolonged absence...bet none of them put it down to the truth. $100 to the person who pinpoints it..."she's a fucking nutcase who tried to neck herself and couldn't finish the job". Or "she hates herself to the point she's rapidly becoming a recluse". Or "she's knocked up"!! Haha bet ya that one has got around.
I don't care in some ways...just worry for my mates who have stuck by me who get dragged into all the gossip, it would suck for them. Don't deserve them.

Been car shopping lately. Exciting, yet discouraging. Two very different emotions but all come at once!! Can't really afford it. Got a horrible feeling it will just be another thing I work myself up and get excited about and then the big letdown will happen.
But hey, I gotta harden the fuck up don't I!

We All Flirt With The Tiniest Notion Of Self Conclusion In One Simplified Motion...

My beautiful friend just made me download a song and it's got me thinking...probably too much as usual. I'll start by telling the story of our friendship I guess...we weren't really all that close until probably about year 10. We were always mates in high school...but our friendship has reached a whole new level this year. Basic terms, it's her and a few others that I have to thank for still being alive in a lot of ways. Sounds dramatic, but it's the honest truth.
She is the most unassuming person I know. She is outstandingly gorgeous...I'm talking supermodel material. But it is not a big deal to her. She is possibly the most down-to-earth, kind hearted, caring, forgiving person I have ever met. I know girls who aren't even half the person she is, yet they think of themselves very highly. Not her. She is unselfish, never conceited and has been there with me through some of the toughest times of my life. It's kinda hard to explain her with words.
Along with her there is another girl in my life who will never know how much she means to me. She's been there from the beginning. Seen the worst, seen the best but never given up on me when I've given up on everything.
They are my rocks, my counsellors, my philosophers, my family and mean more to me than they will ever know. They know the real me, and somehow still love me and give me the time of day.

They remind me that we will always have each other when everything else is gone.

I Wish I Could Tie You Up In My Shoes, Make You Feel Unpretty Too...

I felt compelled to write about my current amusement. Upon browsing MySpace aimlessly, just perusing over random people's pages, I couldn't help but pity the adolescent female population out there. It worries me in a lot of ways, that all the women who rallied for women's liberation and to get better rights for the females in this world, seemingly their hard work and perseverance is not being carried into present day society. Amongst teenagers/young adults anyway. I looked at about 10 girls photos, and cringe at 1)the type of photos they put on a public internet page, 2)the captions and 3)the naievety of some who think nobody will recognise that when it comes down to it, they are just acting as bimbos and flaunting their looks to get attention.
I know people would dispute this as jealousy, coz hey, I'm no oil painting. But it sickens me to think girls are again resigning themselves to ditzy, airhead behaviours and using their looks to get them noticed. No brains are required to hold a camera up in a mirror and push the button. Pout the lips, push the tits out, wear minimal clothing...what the fuck for?
Then what angers me even more is these girls who claim to have eating disorders/body image issues. K, coming from personal experience, having a photo of myself with my stomach/legs/arms/etc. showing would be the last thing I would want people to see. If you are genuinely unhappy with your appearance, you hide it. You don't post it all over the place with the knowledge people can view it at their own leisure. It's a sad fact, but upon reading a lot of these girls comments from other people, it's clear why they put these provocative photos up in the first place. 'You are amazing, you are so beautiful, your legs look fucking awesome' bla bla bla. Stroke their ego a bit more, I dare you!
These girls are clearly not lacking in confidence, if anything, they need to be brought back down. Yes, it's arguable that I am generalising, but you don't have to be a fucking psycho-analysis professional to interpret the underlying intentions. They want praise, compliments, they want boys to lust over them. Guess in our image-driven society, this isn't uncommon. It's just plain sad. What happened to intelligence being valued instead of giving credits to the girl with the biggest set of knockers?! It seems the 'brains over beauty' notion is rapidly being reversed.
Haha, well I guess that's the end for me then! I got a fair set of cerebral hemispheres on me when I put them to work, but the fact that I am flat-chested, untoned, have cellulite, crooked teeth and don't wear a size 4-8 will probably backfire on me in the long run.
Outlook's pretty bleak.

Set Yourself, Situate, Like A Fool Try Again...

I am still so lost and lonely. I've got no idea what I'm doing. I find distraction in spending time with my friends and doing different things, then I spend time alone, like all day today, and I just fall back down into that deep hole that I can't seem to get out of. It's not good, it's destructive.
I'm still struggling with food/body image/relationships/school/every aspect of my life feels unsettled.
I yearn to feel calm, a sense of contentment in my life, yet no matter how hard I try or where I go to seek it, I can't find it. Ugh, I had so much to write and now I've gone blank and lost all motivation...seems to be the theme of my life right now...dull and directionless.

Is directionless even a word?! Oh, don't even care...

Here Comes That Rainy Day Feeling Again...

Yet another day has passed me by and I have accomplished nothing. I'm sick of feeling so shit. I want so bad to get motivated, but being an insomniac has a pretty average effect on the sleeping patterns and energy levels. Not that it's a very valid excuse, but I sleep in till lunchtime nearly everyday. Sounds lazy, but I don't actually get to sleep until 3am everynight. And I've been having the most vivid and horrible dreams. Particularly one, it's a recurring dream I've had for years now, where one of my brothers hangs himself. It's horrible to say the least, and I wake up in a panic and sweat. I don't know what it means and hope to God it never becomes a reality.

I went and saw my Principal today. He is amazing. I am very lucky to have someone as good as him as head of the school. I told him straight out how disappointed I am in myself and how I feel like I'm letting the school down. He told me to stop being silly. Easy to say, but all I do is worry about all the people I'm dragging into this miserable state I've found myself in. It's one of the reasons I didn't want my brothers to know where I was at. They all have their own lives to lead, don't need their little sister causing problems do they!? My oldest brother seemed a bit angry at me and my Mum for not letting him know about recent happenings. It's not because I'm trying to hide anything, it's more a caring for them thing. I don't want to inflict myself upon anybody. I've been like that forever. Ever since my diagnosis, ever since I was really sick with anorexia...I just like to fight things and do them on my own. It's not a pride thing, though it is a stubborn thing I guess. And I at least want to feel a bit of independence, I don't like relying on people.

So I'm in a bad space right now. Struggling. A lot. It's a massive muddle and combination of things which are making me the way I am. If I could pinpoint the reasons then that would be half the battle won. But I can't. Everything just compounds and I honestly can't figure out in my head what I think/want/feel anything anymore. I'm in a complete state of confusion and anxiety all the time. It's so constant. If I could let it all out I would. That's what the purpose of starting this blog was in a way. A place where perhaps slowly, I could let out all of the shit that's clogging up my head! We shall see.

I am going to brave the cold and go for a walk when it gets a bit darker. I've barely left the house lately because of how shit I feel about my appearance and everything, so I wait till it's dark. Not safe, but I figure any rapists/robbers/snipers/whatever! wouldn't feel like going out in this ridiculously freezing weather so I should be the only stupid one out there giving it a crack. To think I was once running 15-20km a day...now I do nothing. Yet another failure that just contributes to my shit state of mind. Grr...for one moment of peace in my thoughts. I would kill for it. Sometimes, as stupid as this sounds, I wish I was dumb or really simple-minded! Sick of being so complex and just a downright pain in my own arse really!

The Silicone Chip Inside Her Head Gets Switched To Overload...

Tell me why I don't like Mondays?!
Ugh, they just have a feeling about them, the commencement of another long week, the closure of those two days of respite from the daily grind. But then again, who am I to complain? I don't even go to school anymore, let's be honest. I sit here, wanting to go, see my friends, keep up to date with the workload. But I can't physically nor psychologically bring myself to even get out of bed, let alone get dressed and make myself look respectable enough to go to the dreaded place that is my college.

The teachers at my school are very nice people. My principal is awesome. I really can't thank my school enough for everything they have done for me over the years. It's no secret I would have failed every single year from Year 8 onwards purely based on attendance. Yet, they overlook it, give me the benefit of the doubt everytime and yeah, here I am finally in my FINAL year. Yes, I am in Year 12, completing my VCE (well I hope to anyway) and I barely get to a classroom. Something wrong with that whole concept?! Sure is. And as much as I know the problem, I can't seem to rectify it no matter how hard I try. So I find myself lost and listless. Lacking the will to keep going. It's the most frustrating and monotnous cycle which I haven't seemed to be able to break for 5 years or more. Perhaps it's a weakness in me or I'm just one of those people who can't help themselves and has to rely on everybody else to do it for them. How pathetic.

It's 1pm already. I've only just got out of bed. Already the feelings of worthlessness and uselessness are upon me for having wasted half a day. I can't avoid them. What a pain in the arse I must be to my family and friends. A burden. I need to get past all this shit yet I don't know how.

Here it comes, the head racing at a million miles per hour...what am I doing with my life?! Sitting here dwelling on it when I should at least be taking one step to better myself and everybody around me putting up with this shit too. Grr, this is what I told the doctor. I can't get past the mornings...they set the scene for the rest of the day. I swore after a big talk last night with my Mum and Dad (a rare occasion in itself to have both sitting in the same room) and my big brother driving in to see what the hell's been going on...I said in my head 'I need to try and fix myself, tomorrow I will start to make an effort'. Alas, I find myself in the same position as everyday before.

I am a lost cause....