So Much For My Homework Ambitions Today...

I haven't done anything remotely like school work in this past 5 hours since I wrote that I would endeavour to do some. I went to my school bag, found that there was no pencil case, folders, etc. as I had left them all in my best mates car. So I reassure myself that it is out of my control that I am unable to attempt some work today. Pathetic excuse, I know, but it's all I've got!

Truth is I probably couldn't concentrate today even if I tried. I am struggling to find the motivation and the focus to keep going with anything related to school at the moment. It's frustrating. I barely attend school, let alone do the work. I am in the grips of one of the biggest downfalls of my life right now. I thought I'd hit rock bottom before, but this one has definitely been the worst. You know the old saying 'one step forward, two steps back'? Well, it is fast becoming the theme of my life. Except increase the two steps back to about a marathon distance and it's accurate!

Not meaning to exaggerate, just feels like whenever I seem to be making a bit of leeway in some aspect of my scattered headspace, I come to a screaming halt and fall down so much harder than the last time. It's monotnous and getting to be a continual cycle that I am surely going to find increasingly tougher to get out of as time goes on.

I have sat here, hardly moving today, and contemplated the future inside out, to the point where my head is literally aching. I have no aim or direction anymore. And I used to be probably one of the most ambitious, determined and hard-working people around, not trying to talk myself up. It's sad when you come to the realisation, at a mere 17 years old, that you are fast becoming somebody who just doesn't have quite the future ahead of them as once was thought. I'm not going to lie, I had pretty big expectations set for myself. Now, I'm pretty much resigning myself to the sad and sorry fact that I will probably be stuck here in my hometown for good. No New York colleges for me. No big, amazing degrees to boast about and get me an occupation that will make me filthy rich. As pessimistic as it sounds, and in no way intending to offend, I will just be your average joe. I would rather be anything but ordinary.